Down The Rabbit Hole

We had our follow up ultrasound this morning and the news is not good. My gestational sac did not grow as my doctor had hoped. It had barely grown at all, in fact. We could see a yolk sac inside it, but no embryo. He wants me to come back next week to make sure, but he said that he’s pretty much positive that I’ll miscarry before he even gets a chance to do another ultrasound. I called to set up a new appointment with the fertility specialist and his nurse told me that if I stop taking my progesterone supplements, it should only be a couple days before it starts.

I’m sad of course. I’m sad for myself and the fact that I have to go through losing a baby. I am so sad for my husband. I had really wanted this for us. He’d be such a good Dad (and he will, one day). I am sad for our baby, who tried as hard as he could but didn’t have a chance. I’m sad for our parents and brothers, who were so excited to welcome a new member of the family.

But at least now I know what I have to deal with. I can mourn and cry, and then move on. I’ll never forget my first little guy. I learned a lot over the past two weeks, and I know what I want to do differently next time. Mainly beat the voices in my head into submission early and often. And enjoy every second of it. Over the past couple days I’d been talking to the baby and singing to him, and that felt really good. I’m glad I got to do that.

When we went in for the ultrasound yesterday I was an absolute wreck. While we were sitting in the waiting room, I was totally crawling out of my skin. I started to cry while I was lying on the table and the lab tech was getting the ultrasound ready. Thank God for Hawk, who stood next to me and stroked my head and held my hand and told me everything was going to be fine.

Right away the tech found the gestational sac, right smack in the middle of my uterus where it is supposed to be. She said that it’s a little small for my gestational age based on my last menstrual period (five weeks and three days), but not to worry about that, because the actual time of conception is hard to pinpoint, so I might be a couple days earlier than we thought.

But my doctor said that it was exactly what he expected to see, and that it was too early to see anything other than a teeny little sac. He wants us back next Thursday for another one to make sure the sac is growing as it should, and by that time we should be able to see more. He also pointed out to me some small shadows on the ultrasound which he said indicated a little bit of bleeding, and he told me that if I had some spotting not to “freak out”. I appreciated the heads up. He didn’t seem concerned about it, so I figure I shouldn’t be.

He said “I know you’re freaking out, but right now everything is looking good. Cautious optimism.” He also told me that he’s chalking the progesterone level of 4 up to lab error, and that progesterone levels can fluctuate a bit, so maybe it wasn’t really that low. I think that’s probably because he wouldn’t have expected to see such good progression if it had really been that low.

Hawk was almost bouncing off the walls he was so excited. He said, “Baby, we just saw our baby!” And I was like, “No, we saw a teensy little sac.” “Well the baby is in the sac!” Isn’t he cute?

I was still pretty low, even after talking to my doctor, because I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t shut my brain off to the “the sac was too small, the sac was too small”. I immediately started thinking about next week and if the sac will have grown enough. I suck. I guess there’s nothing I can do except take care of myself and try to stay calm and positive.

Ah, the voices in my head. How I loathe thee.

Last night I was so elated and happy, totally on top of the world, totally confident. And I am still very happy. Extremely happy. The confidence thing faded slightly this morning, after speaking to the nurse at the fertility specialist’s office.

As a preface to this, let me explain a little bit about HCG: HCG is basically the “pregnancy hormone”. Doctors measure it as a very early way to see how well the embryo is developing. HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours. For example, a level of 200 on Thursday should mean a level of at least 400 on Saturday or Sunday. The stronger the rate of doubling the better, because that means the embryo is growing at a good pace. If you have a rate of 200 on Thursday and only a rate of 350 on, say, Monday, this usually indicates a pregnancy in trouble.

OK, so I gave the nurse my new numbers and she didn’t sound as thrilled as my doctor had (when I had asked my doctor if my HCG levels were good, he said “They’re great”) . She told me, “Well, that’s the good and bad thing about finding this stuff early, that you have to keep checking it”. Wha??

I hung up feeling totally confused, because my doctor had been so pleased. So I called her back and asked her why she had sounded so underwhelmed and she said that she had been looking for an HCG number in the 800s instead of the mid 700s to show that everything was progressing at it should, but that it could have depended on the time of day I had both blood tests, blah blah blah. She said to just go in for the next blood test on Thursday and to call if I needed them.

So of course I freaked out.

But I found about fifty websites that have HCG doubling calculators. I plugged in my numbers from last Thursday and my numbers from yesterday and my HCG is doubling about every 51 hours. This is totally within the normal range. Plus, my doctor is no idiot and no stranger to this stuff. If he had been concerned about the doubling rate he would have told me. He hadn’t even wanted me to come in until next week for another blood test, but I talked him into this week.

I just need to put a muzzle on my fears, because there is no indication that anything is wrong. Why am I so hard on myself? If I could physically kick myself in the head I think I totally would.

So, in keeping with the theme of “Yay! Baby!”, read about what is happening with my little guy this week:

Your baby is now about the size of an apple seed. That’s about 0.08 to 0.16 inches (2 to 4mm) from crown to rump. It has formed a distinct head with the first stages of eyes and ears. The spinal column and cord are formed. Buds that will grow limbs have also formed. The heart is starting to beat and at this stage its beating may even be detected by sensitive ultrasound equipment, though, it’s still very early. The kidneys, liver and nerve cells have also begun to develop. Ten dental buds are growing in the jaws. Blood circulation has begun and primitive red blood cells circulate. The neural tube has closed over along your baby’s spine. The optic vesicles, which resemble tiny discs of pigment set in cups along the sides of your baby’s head will develop into your baby’s eyes. A distinct tail is still present. The body is shaped like the letter “C”.

How crazy is that????

After the IUI failed, we decided we’d stop trying until we went to go see a fertility specialist. I didn’t take any more Clomid, we didn’t do any more procedures.

One of the women at work said offhand one day how funny it would be if we got pregnant in between all the doctors’ appointments.

Hawk and I joked all month that sex for fun was so much better than baby-making sex.

I’m pregnant. 4 weeks and 3 days.

Don’t get too excited.

Now the bad news. The pregnancy is failing. I had a blood test yesterday and my progesterone level is a VERY underwhelming 4. This is not good. At the absolute lowest, it should be, like, 20. My doctor prescribed some progesterone supplements, but does not sound particularly optimistic that they will work. I’m supposed to take them over the weekend and go in for another blood test on Monday. But chances are good that I will miscarry pretty soon.

I don’t really know what to say from here. I have pretty much given up on this pregnancy. I feel like I have “ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE” tattooed above my uterus. I am profoundly sad, the saddest I think I have ever been. I called my parents on Monday and got to experience their thrill at being told that they were going to be grandparents. And I got to hear my mom’s heart break tonight when I told her I am most likely going to lose the baby.

Before Hawk got home tonight I laid on the couch with my hands on my belly and told my baby that I was sorry. Sorry that I will never get to meet him, because I would have been a really good mom. Sorry because I did all I could to keep him safe. I told him to watch over all his potential brothers and sisters and keep them safe until it’s their turn. And I told him that it is okay for him to go if he needed to, that I wouldn’t be mad. That I would love him anyway.

And I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life.

But then I started to feel better.

Why?

At least I know I can get pregnant.

This may seem like a small consolation in the face of losing a baby that I have wished so hard and so long for, but it is a small ray of light in what is now a very dark tunnel. For the past sixteen months I have been convinced that it was just never going to happen at all.

But now I know that this isn’t true. I CAN get pregnant, even without medical intervention. That’s a fucking good start. There are tons of women out there who have suffered a miscarriage and who have gone on to have healthy children. And with the help of a good doctor, I have new faith that I will one day have a healthy baby.

This doesn’t lessen the hurt in my heart for this baby. I will never forget him and I will always mourn the loss.

But I will always remember him as the one who made me believe again, if only for a little while.