So fucking tired of all this bullshit.
Apparently, I can’t even miscarry right.
I had some heavy bleeding out of NOWHERE over the weekend so I went to see my doctor this morning for an ultrasound to make sure that I had passed everything I needed to pass. After getting lost three times on the way to his Thousand Oaks office (I’d like to give a big finger to Google Maps…fuckers), we discovered that I still have a teeny bit of tissue that hasn’t passed, plus a big fat cyst on my right ovary. He wasn’t concerned about either, saying that the tissue should pass itself in the next couple days, and the cyst will go away on its own in 2-3 weeks. He gave me a prescription for birth control pills, only to take for a week, because it would reboot my system and I would get my period. He also did an HCG test to make sure I’d bottomed out on that.
Well, I got a message from his nurse tonight, and my HCG has NOT bottomed out yet. (I also had a message from the doctor himself, saying that I had seemed a little down when I was in his office this afternoon and he just wanted to make sure I was OK. Isn’t he nice?) Anyway, I called and had him paged, and when I spoke to him, again, he said not to worry, that everything was going to turn out fine. He didn’t give me the actual HCG number, but says that we need to follow it until it zeroes out before we can do anything else. He said that it’s not high, and it is dropping, but is doing it slowly. And that could be caused by the little bit of tissue that’s left. Until then, I can’t take the birth control pills, I just have to wait. I go in for another blood test on Friday, and he says it should be even lower then.
And in regards to the cyst, he was totally unconcerned about that, and says that he now thinks that it’s been there for awhile, maybe just getting a little bigger. Great. But he says, again, that this is totally common and blah blah blah.
It’s really nice to have a doctor that is so supportive, and so reassuring, but there’s a part of me that just really doesn’t feel any better after hearing him say “don’t worry”, or “it’s totally common” or “it’s expected”. NONE of this was expected. NONE of this is normal to me.
Hawk was telling me today that I’ve been handling things really well and that I’ll be fine, “You don’t know how strong you are”.
But that’s not the problem.
I DO know how strong I am. I DO know I’ve been handling this really well.
I just don’t want to have to be strong anymore.
It’s killing me to have to deal with this stuff over and over and over. Everytime I think it has been resolved, some other problem comes up, and I have to pull myself up again and continue to function.
Do the laundry. Go to work. Remember to eat. Get through a normal conversation without bursting into tears.
Convince myself and everyone around me that everything is going to be OK.
I’m just so tired.
