Down The Rabbit Hole

Ah, such a lovely day, isn’t it? A Democratic Congress, no more Rummy. It’s a good start. I find myself, dare I say, hopeful about the future of our country for the first time in a loooooooooooong while. Although, the Governator did manage to get himself reelected here in California. How did that happen?

Hawk and I also had our first sit-down consultation with our fertility specialist doctor yesterday. First, he confirmed via ultrasound that I had completed my miscarriage, so no D&C for me (yay). Then we made a plan for what to do next. During my next cycle he’s going to check my FSH and estradiol levels. The fact that I’ve had short, light periods ever since I went off birth control pills last year, as well as my lowish progesterone levels, may be an indication that my body is having issues with one or both of these hormones.

But he seems very confident that he won’t find anything too serious, and whatever he does find may be treated easily with some low-dose fertility drugs (injected three or four times throughout my cycle- yech). The best part is that he said he thinks I’ll be pregnant again within six months. And that I have a 70-85% chance of having a healthy pregnancy next time.

I’m feeling pretty good after our meeting with him. There’s a part of me that’s terrified that he’s going to find out that my FSH levels are all fucked up, which would mean that my ovaries are failing, but he really didn’t seem to think that will happen. If nothing else, I am confident that we are working with the right doctor, and I am sure that I will get pregnant again. I just want it to be soon, and I sure want it to stick this time.

Which brings me to another thought. During my sixteen months of trying to get pregnant, I had said again and again that I would rather never get pregnant than get pregnant and miscarry. Now that I have had a miscarriage, I can see how wrong I was. Don’t get me wrong, I really would rather have not had the excruciating pain of losing a baby, but the knowledge that I can get pregnant has changed my whole outlook. Plus I would never give up the times when I was able to quiet my mind from the worry and I could just bask in the wonderful knowledge that I was pregnant.

Before I always prefaced everything with “IF I get pregnant”. Now I say “WHEN I get pregnant again”. I look at it as a certainty. My miscarriage was an experience I had to go through to get me one step closer to the day I actually have my baby. And I believe that day is getting closer all the time.