Down The Rabbit Hole

Yesterday I had my usual appointment with my therapist. I hadn’t seen her in a month, because our schedules just didn’t mesh. So I caught her up on all of my goings on in the past few weeks - the HCG stuff, work stuff, home stuff.

Mainly we talked about how I’m a little nervous about starting the “trying to get pregnant” again. Not because I’m afraid of another loss, even though that is a concern, but because I was such a fucking basket case for a year and a half while we were trying to do it the first time. The past three months since my miscarriage (yep, twelve weeks yesterday) have been, how do I put this, kind of nice because I’ve gotten a break from the stress, the Clomid, the sex under duress, the “will this be the month?”. Now, in the next four to six weeks, I would guess, we’ll be starting up again with more concentrated efforts, this time with a fertility specialist, injectible hormones and IUI’s.

I’ve gotten to a point with myself that I’m so much more at peace with all of this. The sense of urgency (must get pregnant NOW NOW NOW!!!) isn’t nearly as strong as it was. I’m going into this with hopes, but no expectations. I also have a fairly strong feeling that everything is going to work out. I do believe that I will have a baby. I just don’t know when or how. And that’s OK. I just don’t want to stress of “trying” to make me revert back to the mess that I was. I’m happy with who I have become, and I don’t want to lose her.

My therapist totally understood what I meant, and told me that there is a chance that my old ways could come creeping back, but that I have the tools to keep it under control. She encouraged me to write down my feelings, so that if the old mania starts creeping back, I can read my words and see what it felt like to be so at peace. She said the most important voice I can listen to is my own. And I know that she’s right.

And, with that, I told her that I don’t think I need to see her regularly anymore. I’ve gotten strong enough and healthy enough that I think I can handle whatever comes up on my own. She agreed. She told me that she’s watched me grow and change in many ways. When I first came to see her, I was trying to control everything - my body, my feelings, my husband. And when I couldn’t control everything, I beat myself up, told myself I was weak, stupid, wrong.

She helped me learn to let go of the control, which was SO HARD. It still is, I struggle with it every day. But I’ve seen what happens when I do, the peace that I gain from it, the sense of well being that comes from opening myself up and allowing myself to learn from each experience rather than trying to control it. One of the most important things she helped me learn was to truly let myself feel my feelings. Before, I would try and push sadness or depression away, deny that I was feeling that way, because I thought they made me weak. I learned to let myself be sad. Not to wallow in it, mind you, but to honor it. It makes it that much easier to let go.

It’s bittersweet, not going to see her anymore. On one hand, I’ve come to enjoy that outlet, a safe place to talk about whatever I want, to someone who doesn’t judge me, who can help guide me to see myself more clearly. I’ll miss her, and I couldn’t have done it without her. On the other hand, I am so proud of myself that I have worked so hard to get healthy, and now I feel that it’s time for me to make it on my own. I have the tools, I have the strength, and I am kind to myself now, and that’s something I didn’t have before.

And that’s the most important thing in the world.