Down The Rabbit Hole

I’m at a point right now that where I don’t really know what else to say except: I’m Scared.

I finished my birth control pills and started my period, so now we’re starting a new cycle of trying to get pregnant, for the first time since September. I picked up my new medications tonight; Clomid, again, which I’ve taken before, plus a new injectible medication, Follistim. I start the Clomid tonight, the Follistim on Saturday. Hawk gets to give me injections into the lower part of my stomach over I think four days. Blech. I go in for another ultrasound next Thursday to see how many follicles I’ve developed.

The reason why I’m so scared is that it seems like there may be a problem with my ovaries. Most likely not an insurmountable one, but a problem nonetheless. Between my last blood test (which a nurse had told me was fine, and which my doctor said yesterday might actually indicate a problem) and a couple ultrasounds, it looks as though I may have a lowered ovarian reserve, meaning that at 29, I don’t have as many eggs, or good quality eggs, as an average woman my age. It’s all very long and complicated and I’m not in the mood to explain it. Google is always there if you want to know more. Although, I don’t know why you would. I wish I didn’t know all this stuff. The internet is my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time. I believe I have crossed the fine line between well-informed and obsessive.

Anyway, my doctor is still very positive that I am going to have a baby. When we saw him yesterday, he asked us whether or not we wanted to do an insemination this cycle, or if we wanted to just “stick with intercourse”. I guess he doesn’t think it’s THAT big of a problem if he’s telling us that one of our options is just good old fashioned sex. He wants to see my response to the meds before he can say for sure what my status is, but he seems very confident. He said that just yesterday he had three patients, all of whom had FSH levels much higher than mine, who had healthy babies. Obviously the man knows what he’s doing and has a few tricks up his sleeve. As my dad said to me, “surrender to the medication”, let it do its job, let the doctor do his job, and give up control. There’s nothing more I can do here, I just have to trust that I’m in good hands.

I had a really bad night a couple nights ago where I was absolutely sure I would never have a baby. I cried for hours, giving myself a wicked headache in the process. I’m just so terrified that we’re going to put in all this effort and money and hope and it’s not going to work. The prospect of really not being able to have a baby is one that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around. But I have to remind myself that we are not at that point, that we’ve barely even started trying. But I have a tendency to “negative spiral” as my husband calls it. I get a hint of something bad and my mind jumps to the extreme worst conclusion. Stupid brain.

Now I’m trying to be more positive. My mom was saying that she’s been visualizing me in a hospital bed holding a baby, so I tried that last night, and it was remarkably easy. I could see it right away. I could see myself holding a soft, little, pink baby, with my husband and family by my side. And maybe since I can see it so clearly, it’s not that far away.