Down The Rabbit Hole

Sorry that I haven’t been more bloggy lately but since the insemination didn’t work I’ve really been down in the dumps. It doesn’t help that I yesterday a very-pregnant friend of my boss stopped in to the office and, when I asked her what her due date is, she brightly replied “June 1!” Mine would have been June 12. Meaning that, had I not miscarried, I would be sporting a belly about the size of hers right about now. And that realization hurt. A lot. There are some days when it feels like I lost my baby yesterday, rather than nearly six months ago. Yesterday was one of those days.

I went to the doctor this morning because a muscle in my left foot has been twitching for about a month now. The last time I saw her was for my pre-conception consulation back in February 2005, and the first thing she says to me when she walks in is “Did you have a baby?” Poor thing didn’t know what a loaded question that is these days. I summed up the last two years for her, tearing up a bit, and she said “I could tell there was something, that you were hurting. It’s all over your face.” Great. So the world can see on my face that I’m an infertile basketcase. And it’s making my feet twitch. According to the doc, stress is affecting my nerves and causing the muscle twitches. Anyway.

I’m just feeling extremely hopeless. This month is my first non-medicated normal period since my miscarriage and I was right back to my inadequate luteal phase. It should be at least twelve days and mine was only ten this cycle. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do. We’re taking this month off from trying again, and I think that’s a good thing. We’re going to Hawaii with my parents and brother in a couple weeks and I don’t want the stress of “Am I or Aren’t I” hanging over that trip. I just want to go and relax and enjoy my family.

Meanwhile, I’m taking some steps to get myself healthier, because I was reading a book called Inconceivable, which was written by a woman who, at 42 decided to have her second child and was told by several fertility specialists that it was impossible, given her FSH level (which was the same as her age - 42). She started going to acupuncture, taking herbs for fertility, eating better, going to yoga, as well as doing visualization techniques, and lo and behold, she got pregnant again and gave birth to a healthy baby. Now, I’m not naive enough to think that if I just go to yoga and take a few herbs that I will get pregnant, but it can’t hurt. Plus, I don’t eat well enough anyway, not nearly as many fruits and veggies as I should. How do I expect my body do be working its best if I don’t give it the nutrition it needs to work?

I had a bit of an epiphany after reading that book, that I have been putting all of the responsibility for getting pregnant on my doctors. It’s like I went in and said “Fix me”. I’ve been relying on blood tests and procedures and haven’t been doing any work myself to make this happen. I drink more than I should. I don’t exercise with any real regularity. I don’t eat well enough. In order for this to really happen, it needs to be a team effort with us and our doctor. There are some very real obstacles for my body to get pregnant, but maybe if I treat myself better, I can lessen those roadblocks somehow. I know I have some good eggs in there, maybe not as many as the average woman my age, but some, and I just have to help my body nurture them and help them grow, and my doctor’s job is to help us find them and get them fertilized. And what’s the worst that could happen - I don’t get pregnant, but I have a healthy body.

I have to remember that my fertility issues are just one part of my life (albeit a big one). They don’t define who I am. Taking care of my health, mental and physical, will benefit every aspect of my life and make it more likely that one day I will have a healthy baby. I just wish the voices in my head let me be more hopeful, more positive. I hate being this down.