I haven’t really been in the mood for posting lately, mainly because I just don’t know what to say. There’s so much to say, but I just haven’t felt like saying it. But I think that it would be good for me to say it, so here goes.
I have been one big fat ball of nerves since I got back from Hawaii, and especially since my accident. I felt so good when we came back from our trip, relaxed and healthy, and as soon as I stepped off the plane in L.A., all my neuroses were waiting for me at the gate. “Hi!” they said. “We missed you! Did you miss us?” And they jumped right back in my brain and threw a party. A big, raucous party where they all sat around and did Jaeger shots.
I immediately started obsessing about my cycle and babymaking again, so much so that I had Hawk call my doctor. See, my doctor is always very calm and confident with me, telling me that everything is going to be fine and pretty much not to worry my pretty little head about it. But he’s straighter with Hawk. No less confident or optimistic, but straighter. And this whole time that he’s been telling me that everything is fine, I haven’t felt fine. If everything is fine, then why is my cycle so irregular? If everything is fine, then (fill in the blank).
So Hawk called and got the real story out of him. He says that I have an ovarian dysfuntion which causes a hormonal imbalance, and while he’s confident that with his help we will have a baby, he doesn’t think I could sustain a pregnancy on my own.
Ouch.
The first two days after that news I was inconsolable. On one hand it felt good to validate what my instincts had been telling me all along, that things were not “fine” like everyone had been telling me. On the other hand, to me it confirmed that I am broken. That my body doesn’t work right. That we really can’t do this on our own, that in order to have a baby I need to put myself through the bloodtests, and the ultrasounds, and the injections. That my stupid body is the reason I lost my baby. That, even if I manage to get pregnant again, that won’t be the end of the challenge, but the beginning. KEEPING me pregnant will be a challenge as well. I do not, repeat, do not want to miscarry again. That, my friends, is an experience I could truly live without (even though it taught me so much and blah blah blah - you know what I mean).
But one of the women that I work with suggested to me that I look at this as an “and” instead of a “but”. “I have a hormonal imbalance and may not be able to sustain a pregnancy on my own AND I have a great doctor who knows how to help me”. It also helped me not obsess quite so much about my fertility signs, because, hey, of course they aren’t going to look like the internet says they should, because my hormones are fucked up.
We have a meeting with my doctor next Friday to set out a Game Plan for Successful Pregnancy. I like to imagine a wipe board and the doctor wearing a whistle around his neck, drawing out plays like a “Conception Coach” or something. He told Hawk when they spoke that he is completely confident that if we set out a treatment plan and follow it, that I will be pregnant within nine months. The doc has never been anything but confident, and I don’t think he’s the kind of guy who makes promises if he doesn’t think it can be done. I don’t think he’d be telling us that it is going to work if he didn’t think it would.
But of course, I am scared and retreating to that pessimistic place that I find it so easy to hide. I hate it FUCKING HATE IT that the first place I go to is “What if it doesn’t work? What if we go through the plan and I put myself through all that and it doesn’t work?” Why can’t I think to myself, “Thank God, now we know there’s a problem, and we’ve got a doctor who knows how to work with it, and this means that we have a really good chance of having a baby! This is totally going to work!” I have moments like that, interspersed through all of the negative crap. Glimmering moments where I think, Dude, this is totally going to work. But those are few and far between. I don’t believe in “The Secret” and that all crap, but I do believe in the power of positive thinking. I just wish I could actually do it.
NEXT: The Meds
