Hello on the first day of NaBloPoMo 2007! This month is going to be interesting. I am totally out of practice with this blog thing.
I guess an update is in order. I took a hiatus for almost two months because I was in reeeeeeeeeeeeally truly bad shape. Over the past seven or eight months, I was slowly getting more and more depressed, my anxiety getting worse and worse. What with recovering from my miscarriage last year, to my car accident in May, to losing our dog Maggie in July, to a myriad of health related crap in August and September, all this stress piled up and I literally felt like I was losing my mind.
It manifested itself mainly as muscle twitches, all over my body. They started in my feet, then moved into my legs, then they were everywhere - arms, back, butt, jaw, you name it. I was convinced, among other things, that I had something horrible like ALS or multiple sclerosis. I went to the UCLA Neurological Services department and after an exam and an MRI they diagnosed me with Benign Fasciculation Syndrome, which basically means, “You twitch. We don’t know why.” They told me that it was probably stress. Ya think?
After they ruled out a neurological disease, I was convinced that I was in early menopause. Don’t ask me why. I think I read somewhere online that women sometimes experience muscle twitches during menopause. So I became totally obsessed with my cycle again, and more and more despondent. I cried at work almost every day. I cried to my husband almost every night.
I started seeing my therapist again regularly. In conjunction with the hypochondria was the fast approaching first anniversary of my miscarriage. It was really really hard to think to myself on any given day in October, “one year ago today I found out I was pregnant”, “one year ago today was the worst day of my life“. I was grieving all over again, which totally sucked. Been there, done that.
No matter what I did - therapy, massages, meditation, exercise - seemed to help quiet my mind or my body. I told my husband one night, “I don’t think I would hurt myself, but right now I would do anything to make this stop”. I felt like I was going crazy, like I was in a deep black pit and I couldn’t claw my way back out, that I would feel this way forever. It was time to get some help. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist and I started taking antidepressants. I really didn’t want to, I tried everything else I could think of to help myself first, but I finally decided that I couldn’t take anymore. I had to try something.
And I am very happy to say that after a couple weeks, I started to feel better. A lot better. You know the commercials where the sad little ball becomes the happy little ball? I am now the happy little ball. My muscle twitches have all but gone away, I haven’t cried anything but happy tears for several weeks now. I feel like myself again.
Just in time for NaBloPoMo!
