Down The Rabbit Hole

Today is the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. It might be the Zoloft talking, but I’m pretty okay with it, more like looking at it from a distance - “Oh, that was a year ago. Hmm. That sucked.”

On one hand, I can’t believe a year has passed already. On the other, it seems like it’s been forever. I am such a totally different person than I was a year ago that it almost seems to have happened to somebody else. And I guess on some level it did.

Before I got pregnant, I had always said that I would rather never get pregnant than get pregnant and miscarry. I didn’t think I could deal with that level of grief and despair. I can see now, a year later, how wrong I was. Losing my baby was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I saw depths of sadness that I never thought possible. But I got through it, and it taught me more about myself than anything in my life previous. I know now the wells of strength that exist within me. I know that I can go on living my life even though everything seems to be falling apart. The world keeps turning, the sun will always come up again tomorrow. There is always hope for a new day.

My experience didn’t only teach me about myself, but about the people in my life, and how I relate to them. My relationship with my husband is even stronger than it was before, mainly due to his boundless patience and compassion. I’m sure there were times where he just wanted to walk out the door and leave me in my puddle of misery, but he never did. He held me while I cried - every time. He took every single phone call where I was freaking out and positive that we would never have a baby and needed to be talked off my ledge.

My friends listened to countless stories about doctors appointments and blood tests, gave innumerable hugs of support. It got to the point where I wanted to come through my grief and anxiety for them as much as for myself, so that I wouldn’t exhaust them with all of my problems. They were there for me, I wanted to be able to be there for them during their hard times. I hope that now I am a better wife and friend, because I want to do for the people I love what they did for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I am “enlightened” now or that it’s not still hard sometimes, because god knows the past few months have been a nightmare. The medication I’m on is totally necessary for me at this point in time in order to deal with everything that has happened, but it has also helped to quiet my mind enough so that I can actually reflect on the past year with more clarity. I’ve got a long way to go before I can say that I am really truly healed. But I’ve also learned that I’m not afraid of the work.

In the end, I suppose that I would not have given up this experience for anything. That I felt the loss of my baby so deeply gives me a glimpse of how much I will love the child I believe I will one day have. I am the person I am today because of what I lived through; I am stronger for it, I love more deeply because of it. My miscarriage was just another step along my path, one that taught me that I have what it takes, with the love and support of my family and friends, to survive whatever comes my way.