Down The Rabbit Hole

Bear with me while I screw around with my blog layout. I’m thinking that I’m mainly going to turn this space into a photo blog, so I want to have the best layout for picture viewing.

I will, of course, still write about my life, but I’m finding that I’m not needing to as much. My blog was extremely important for me as an outlet in order to be able to process my feelings surrounding my first miscarriage. Lately I’m able to sort things out in my head more easily without having to write them down. Plus, I’m just happier in general these days and don’t have as much that I need to vent about.

My second miscarriage is still very fresh, but this one was…I hesitate to say “easier”, but that’s really what I mean. To be honest, right now both Hawk and I are not ready to be parents. When we found out I was pregnant this last time, there was a part of me - a small part, mind you, but still a part - that was a little disappointed. We’ve really been enjoying each other lately, enjoying our freedom, enjoying sleeping in, enjoying going out to dinner whenever we want and drinking wine with friends. Right now I find I’m just not ready to give that up. It just wasn’t the right time for us to have a baby. When it is the right time, we will know, and we will devote ourselves to the journey completely. But right now is not that time.

Last year was grief, almost from beginning to end. I was such an emotional wreck that I almost consider it a wasted year, because I was so enveloped by anxiety and sadness that I couldn’t enjoy my life at all. Now that I am feeling so much better, I need some time to just be. Just feel good for a while before we start trying to have a baby again. Because when we start trying, it’s going to work, and then I’ll have other (wonderful) things to concentrate on than myself!

There are a lot of other things going on right now. I was telling Hawk after we got back from our trip, that I was feeling totally rejuvenated and “like we’re on the cusp of something really big”. I’m taking the last two classes I need to finish my Diploma in Aromatherapy, I’m really wanting to concentrate more on my photography. Hawk is concentrating on building his computer consulting business and I am helping him with that. There are great things afoot, here, I think.