About two months ago I found my first grey hair. I showed it off to my husband, told my parents and my friends – “I like it! It’s so cute, I think it makes me look distinguished!”
I found grey hair #2 yesterday.
It’s not cute anymore.
It’s an epidemic, people.
As in, “Having a bad back sucks…”
I threw my back out YET AGAIN on Sunday, merely by replacing my jar of multivitamins on the shelf from which it came. This has been happening about every two weeks. I feel okay for a week or so, and then some small movement (sneezing, walking down stairs, bending slightly over the sink to spit out my toothpaste) clenches my back up and I’m laid up for 2-3 days. Up until now I’ve tried to tough it out, but being in pain like that is taking more and more out of me.
Having back pain sucks. Being in constant pain sucks, even if the pain is relatively manageable and only lasts for a couple days. I know and totally appreciate the fact that there are people out there who are in much worse pain ALL THE TIME, and my heart goes out to them, because I’m getting to the end of my rope with this bullshit.
Being in pain requires a lot of fucking effort. When my back hurts, I walk differently, I sit differently, I move differently. I feel totally useless at work. I can’t lift anything, I can’t pack boxes because our packing table is really low and it kills my back. Standing too long hurts. Sitting too long hurts. Taking any painkillers, like Vicodin or Darvocet, helps a little, but makes me feel stoned and only leaves me wanting more drugs. Being in pain is exhausting and scary. Even when I don’t hurt, I’m afraid of hurting. I haven’t been exercising much, other than Pilates once a week, because I’m afraid to set my back off.
I finally decided enough is enough and I went to the doctor this afternoon. She said, first of all, that it doesn’t sound like anything serious, like a herniated disc, but that I probably do have a disc that is (in her words) “sensitive” or “touchy” which moves a bit and sets off a nerve that causes a group of muscles to spasm.
The shitty part is that she told me that everything I am already doing – bed rest, anti-inflammatories (Advil or Aleve), ice, heat, Pilates - is the only way to treat it. She gave me a prescription for muscle relaxants and a recommendation for some physical therapy, but that’s it. I don’t want to learn how to manage the pain, I want the pain to GO AWAY. I don’t want to be laid up for a week’s worth of days every month, and I don’t want to be taking pain killers to deal with it either.
A friend of mine from work has dealt with some pretty serious back problems of her own and has told me that her physical therapist is great and helped her immensely, so I will give him a call. I really hope it will help, because I am so over this shit.
I’m jealous.
My boss just told us this morning that she is pregnant and expecting a baby in December. I am THRILLED for her and can’t wait to cuddle and play with her squishy baby when he/she gets here. She also had a miscarriage last spring, and I am always happy for women who had a previous loss who then go on to have healthy babies, because it gives me hope that I will be so lucky one day.
But, of course, I’m jealous. Even though at this moment I am not ready to start trying again and am enjoying my life child-free, I am still jealous. There is that little tug in my gut that is so familiar, that still happens when I see a pregnant belly or a smiling baby. I know my time will come, and Hawk and I have started talking about trying again, not quite yet, but maybe this summer.
But right now, at this moment…
jealous
I recently found online a bunch of awesome pictures using a new (well, new to me) photography technique called Through The Viewfinder. You take your digital camera (preferably using a macro lens) and take photos through the viewfinder of a vintage Kodak Duaflex camera. These Kodak cameras were available back in the 50s and 60s, and there are a surprising number of them in very good shape available on eBay for around $20-30. I just got mine in the mail on Friday, so I was playing with the new technique today.
Freaking. Out. Love. It. I don’t have a macro lens yet, so all of these were taken with my regular lens, but I love it.
A grasshopper in our front yard. Check out the purple eye capsules on this guy!
Yesterday I got to go to the park with my friend Christine and her little boy, Cormac. He is such a joy and it is so much fun to watch him play, to see him run and climb. Hawk and I were there the day he was born, and it is amazing to see the beautiful little boy he has become.
Our friend John was visiting from Oakland this weekend, and Hawk and my brother Nate helped him record some songs he’d written a while ago. I tagged along and got to take some pics.
(Click any to enlarge)
