Twenty Eight Weeks

Today marks the first day of my third trimester!  Everything continues to progress swimmingly.  My last doctor’s appointment was a couple weeks ago and my doctor said I was boring, but in his line of work “boring is good”.  I have to agree.  Here is a picture from last week, week 27 (click to enlarge):

I got an email yesterday from a reader who was wondering if everything was okay, since I haven’t posted in quite a while.  And everything is fine, great in fact.  I have been blessed (so far) with a very healthy pregnancy and a baby girl who seems to be growing big and strong.  I just really haven’t felt like writing much, for several different reasons, the least of which is what a friend of mine calls “placental suck”, in which your pregnant brain turns to mush and you can barely complete a thought to save your soul.

First, I know that most of my readers started reading my blog because we share a common difficulty – we had struggled to get pregnant, or we had experienced pregnancy loss.  Once it became clearer to me that this pregnancy was going to stick, I began to feel guilty for talking about my excitement and joy when I know that many people who read my blog were still struggling with infertility.  I didn’t want to be an asshole and rub it in anyone’s face.  I didn’t want to forget “where I came from” and all the people who have supported me over the last few years.

But the reader who wrote me yesterday reminded me of how I always felt when reading the blogs of other sisters-in-arms in the infertility fight who became pregnant.  I was jealous, sure, but I also found them a tremendous source of hope – “maybe if it can happen for her, it can happen for me”.  I forgot that this street goes both ways.  I forgot that there are people truly rooting for me and my little girl out there, and that humbles me immensely.

Second, I have never felt “safe” in this pregnancy.  After about the twenty week mark I did let my breath out quite a bit and have been feeling pretty good, pretty confident since then.  But even though every test, every ultrasound, every doctor’s appointment has indicated nothing but a healthy baby and a healthy me, there is a part of my dumb brain that still, on the first day of my third trimester, is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Out of some sick habit, I still check for blood every time I go to the bathroom.  On days when the baby is more quiet and kicks less, I resist the urge to freak out.  So it’s made me quiet and I haven’t really known how to put my feelings into words – “I’m fine!  Excited!  Baby’s great!  But what if…”  Lame.

Last night she had the hiccups (so cute) and I wanted to find out why babies get the hiccups in utero, so I googled it.  MISTAKE.  99% of what I found was like “oh it’s so adorable and totally normal”, then there’s the one or two anecdotes from women whose babies had hiccups and turns out the cord was wrapped around the neck and the babies died.  Great.  Now I have something new to obsess about.  I can’t stand the idea that I could have gotten this far and there’s a chance, however miniscule, that I could still lose her.  And I know it is a tiny chance.  Most likely, my daughter will be born strong and healthy in about ten to twelve weeks (eep!).  But the part of my brain forever scarred by my miscarriages will always keep me on my toes, worrying that something will go wrong.  It’s just a matter of beating that part into submission before it takes over.  Most of the time I’m fine.  She moves around consistently enough now that I am constantly reassured by her movements.  But sometimes it’s easier than others.

Third, I really don’t feel like I’ve had that much to say.  My pregnancy has been relatively uneventful and there’s not much else going on in my life right now.  We’ve done some small projects around the house, we’ve started accumulating some baby gear.  But I’ve really been very boring for the past few months.  I don’t do much besides read, watch tv and obsess about the election.  Speaking of which, I can’t tell you how glad I am that it will be over in less than two weeks, because it has turned me into an internet news junkie.  I sit in front of my computer on my days off and constantly circulate between 7-8 political websites searching for news, any news.  I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time starting on November 5.  I guess I’ll have to start nesting and maybe clean the house from top to bottom with a toothbrush or something.

So I’ll try to post more from here on out.  I’ve always found that once I write something down here that I release it and I end up more peaceful for having done it.  Maybe if I write more about my excitement, my joy, and my fears, it will help me worry less and enjoy this time even more.