Down The Rabbit Hole

Áine Eileen Evelyn Corbell

Born Tuesday, January 27, 2009 at 7:06pm.  7lbs 13oz, 21 inches.

Mama and Papa are totally in love with our little girl.

Hawk and I go to the hospital tonight (well, technically tomorrow morning) at 2am so that labor will be induced.  Áine has just decided that she is the comfiest girl ever and is happy where she is and although she is two weeks past her due date has shown few signs of wanting to budge.  So she’s officially evicted.

I have had some mixed feelings about inducing, mainly because I am of the opinion that babies come when they are ready, but my doctor won’t let me go past 42 weeks, and frankly, I don’t WANT to go past 42 weeks.  I am done.  Pregnancy on the whole has been wonderful, magical, inspiring and all that jazz but the past eight weeks have been incredibly uncomfortable.  Plus, at this point, the kid is fully cooked.  The doc estimates her at well over eight pounds, she’s got a great strong heartbeat, she has had all the time she needs to get ready to greet the world.  So we don’t have to worry about yanking her out of there before she’s really ready.

I am a little nervous about the whole induction thing leading to a c-section.  I hope my body will be receptive to it and that all I need is a little nudge in the right direction to get me started.  I also know that inducing can take a looooooooong time, so even though they start that Pitocin drip at 2am tomorrow morning, it may be hours and hours and hours before anything happens.  Tomorrow may end up being an incredibly long, hard day.

Yesterday I was feeling a little numb and kind of shut down for most of the day.  Didn’t want to think about giving birth, having the baby, nothing.  I just sat and read a book all day and tried not to deal, except when a random thought about the whole thing would creep into my head then I would burst into tears.  Between feeling a little guilty and nervous about having to induce, feeling a bit scared about the new life that awaits me on the other end of that delivery, feeling a little apprehensive about how emotionally intense it’s going to be to meet my daughter for the first time, you could say I was a bit overwhelmed.

Then somewhere around dinnertime I started to get excited, and Hawk and I read the “newborn care” sections of our baby books and learned how to give her a bath and reviewed the whole “swaddling” thing and talked giddily about how our lives are about to change forever and how tiny and cute she’s going to be.  I wonder what she’s going to look like, what her cry will sound like.

So please keep your fingers crossed for us that the delivery is a relatively easy one.  I will post pictures and news as soon as I can.  Thank you all for your support and I can’t wait to introduce you all to my daughter!

I would really, really, really like to give birth.  Like, today.

Still waiting…

For your amusement, here is the first belly picture we took, back in June when I was eight weeks pregnant:

And here is one from this past weekend when we went to the Descanso Gardens with some friends:

Notice how I am a fucking Amazon and now outweigh my husband.

We had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and I have started to dilate.  I am currently 1 centimeter dilated.  Go cervix go!  I still have plenty of amniotic fluid, but doc says my placenta is starting to “show its age”, so when we told him we want to hold off on inducing, he did a non-stress test where he hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor for half an hour to see how baby girl is doing.  She is great, her little heartbeat was trucking along nice and strong, so he said waiting another few days is fine.  We go back on Friday for yet another ultrasound and another non-stress test.  If all is well, he’ll give me until Monday night, and if she hasn’t made her grand entrance yet, he’s going to induce.  Which I am totally cool with.  I just hope she decides to come on her own before that.

Until then I am…waiting.  Taking walks around the neightborhood, watching a lot of Dog Whisperer reruns, obsessing over Facebook.  Any suggestions on what I should do while I wait for my daughter to show her pretty little face?

Today is my due date!  If you had asked me four weeks ago if I thought I would make it all the way to my due date I would have said you were nuts.  I thought there’s NO WAY this kid ain’t coming early – I’m too big, too swollen, too uncomfortable to make it another month (I can just hear a world full of mothers out there laughing at my naive, newbie ass).  Now I’m just hoping that I don’t take a page out of my mom’s playbook – I was two weeks late and my brother was three weeks late.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that Baby Girl decides to come soon.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and as of that morning I wasn’t dilating yet or anything.  He said he’d be happy to try and induce, but with my cervix not showing any signs of opening, it may not be as easy as he would hope right now.  I’d really rather not induce anyway.  I try and take it as a sign that she’s just not ready yet.  She’s putting the finishing touches on those little lungs and building up those fat little thighs, and she will make her grand entrance when she decides it’s the right time.  It’s just hard when I’m so uncomfortable and giving birth is more about getting her the hell out of my body than it is about meeting my daughter.  Then I feel guilty and that mixes with the sleep deprived crazies and makes for not a happy camper.

I’ve been having a hard time the past week or so – crazy insomnia, the physical discomfort of lugging around an extra 45 pounds, and just general impatience.  I don’t have a whole lot going on right now – I’m not working, her room is all set, all tiny clothes washed and folded and put away.  I can only watch so much daytime tv.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been pregnant for nine and a half months now, a few more days won’t hurt, but waiting is HARD!  I’m doing what I can – taking the dogs for nice long walks around the neighborhood, bouncing on my birth ball.  I got an email from my Dad telling me that he’s going to find a Pagan idol of effacement and dilation to start praying to for me.  Hey, whatever works!

I also have to remember that these are the last few days of life as I have known it for thirty one and a half years.  Once she’s here, she’s here and life will never be the same.  But I’m ready for it.  I want to meet my daughter, I want the next chapter of my life to begin.  I want to truly, once and for all, put the last three years of anxiety and heartache behind me when I hold my little girl in my arms and look into her eyes for the first time.  Because I’m not going to really believe it until then.  That’s why it’s so hard to wait.

I usually write a nice long entry with a reflection on the past year and my hopes for the new year, but I am so wrapped up in waiting to give birth that I just don’t have the mental capacity to organize my thoughts that well.  But here’s what I could come up with:

What a year.  2008 started out with my second miscarriage and ended with me (not so) patiently awaiting the birth of my daughter (Just saying, Áine, if you would like to be born soon, like TODAY, that is totally cool with Mama).