Ready

Today is my due date!  If you had asked me four weeks ago if I thought I would make it all the way to my due date I would have said you were nuts.  I thought there’s NO WAY this kid ain’t coming early – I’m too big, too swollen, too uncomfortable to make it another month (I can just hear a world full of mothers out there laughing at my naive, newbie ass).  Now I’m just hoping that I don’t take a page out of my mom’s playbook – I was two weeks late and my brother was three weeks late.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that Baby Girl decides to come soon.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and as of that morning I wasn’t dilating yet or anything.  He said he’d be happy to try and induce, but with my cervix not showing any signs of opening, it may not be as easy as he would hope right now.  I’d really rather not induce anyway.  I try and take it as a sign that she’s just not ready yet.  She’s putting the finishing touches on those little lungs and building up those fat little thighs, and she will make her grand entrance when she decides it’s the right time.  It’s just hard when I’m so uncomfortable and giving birth is more about getting her the hell out of my body than it is about meeting my daughter.  Then I feel guilty and that mixes with the sleep deprived crazies and makes for not a happy camper.

I’ve been having a hard time the past week or so – crazy insomnia, the physical discomfort of lugging around an extra 45 pounds, and just general impatience.  I don’t have a whole lot going on right now – I’m not working, her room is all set, all tiny clothes washed and folded and put away.  I can only watch so much daytime tv.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been pregnant for nine and a half months now, a few more days won’t hurt, but waiting is HARD!  I’m doing what I can – taking the dogs for nice long walks around the neighborhood, bouncing on my birth ball.  I got an email from my Dad telling me that he’s going to find a Pagan idol of effacement and dilation to start praying to for me.  Hey, whatever works!

I also have to remember that these are the last few days of life as I have known it for thirty one and a half years.  Once she’s here, she’s here and life will never be the same.  But I’m ready for it.  I want to meet my daughter, I want the next chapter of my life to begin.  I want to truly, once and for all, put the last three years of anxiety and heartache behind me when I hold my little girl in my arms and look into her eyes for the first time.  Because I’m not going to really believe it until then.  That’s why it’s so hard to wait.