Today I am thirty two years old.
Back when I was a kid, thirty two seemed unquestionably grown-up. By the time I was thirty two, I would, obviously, be married with a kid or three, a career, house, cat, dog, all of the accoutrements that come with being an adult. And to my surprise, I actually have all that stuff. Except the career. And the cat (allergic husband).
Anyway, back then it was easy to picture what being “grown up” might look like. I looked at my parents and figured that I would have what they did. As a kid and a teenager it looked like they had it all figured out, balancing work and family so (seemingly to my young eyes) seamlessly. Throughout my twenties, as I started to accomplish or accumulate these milestones (married at twenty two, house at twenty five, trying for a baby at twenty seven) I began to worry a little bit because I didn’t FEEL like a grown up yet. And even now that I am a parent, to me the singular biggest indicator of adulthood there is, I still don’t feel grown up. Does anyone ever, really? Hawk’s grandmother once told me that inside she still felt like the sixteen year old girl she once was, she just happened to be stuck in the body of an eighty year old woman.
I think that rather than using external indicators like homeownership or parenthood, for me it’s more about the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin that makes me feel like an adult. Not a “grown up”. An adult. Because I’m not a kid anymore, and happy not to be, thank you very much. Anyone who tells you that “the best years of your life” are in high school is full of shit. In my teens and twenties I had NO CLUE who I was, and I was miserable a lot of the time – so insecure, so full of self doubt, hating myself for every stupid thing I ever said or did. I was so unkind to myself back then.
It’s only the last four years or so, the catalyst being my journey to get pregnant, that I really began to learn about what makes me “me”, what makes me special. I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of introspection and ultimately came out the other side with a much clearer picture of Miranda.
The birth of my daughter this year is just the icing on the cake. With the gift of Áine, that facet of my life that I was yearning for is complete. It’s a piece of my heart that was broken with my two miscarriages and is now healed. Now I am finally able to move on, with my daughter and my husband at my side, to see what challenges life brings next.
