One of the biggest challenges of parenting for me so far (I mean besides the normal lack of sleep stuff) has been learning to take things in stride. Case in point, a few weeks ago we transitioned her from the co-sleeper next to our bed to her crib in her room, and one night a little while after putting her to bed we hear her screaming. Turns out she had inadvertently flipped over onto her stomach in her sleep and woke up: “OHMYGODI’MONMYTUMMYHOWDIDTHATHAPPENWAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” She was like a turtle in reverse – on her belly, not quite sure how she’d gotten there, and not quite sure what to do about it.
Now, one of the greatest fears for any new parent is the threat of SIDS, and actually having known someone who lost a family member to SIDS, I was particularly concerned about it. Everything I read prior to giving birth said that one of the risk factors is stomach sleeping, so we should always put her on her back to sleep. We even had a little wedge thing that she slept with when she was tiny to prevent her from turning over. So when she started turning over on her own, we were pretty uneasy. I tried putting her in the wedge thing, but she managed to turn over anyway and got herself stuck between the wedge and the crib rail. The wedge was history. I checked on her a million times that night. The next night she didn’t cry after we put her down, but every time I checked on her she would be on her tummy. At first I would just flip her back over every time. We agonized about what to do about it, and again I got up countless times to check on her, and every time she would just be slumbering away, sweet as can be.
It became clear after those first couple nights that she really liked to sleep that way, so eventually we figured that a) if she was big enough to get herself onto her belly, she was probably big enough to sleep that way if she wanted, and b) she has a really strong neck and can hold her upper body up really well, so if she needed help because she was stuck, we would be sure to hear about it.
I guess what I learned from this little exercise is that I can’t totally control the world that my daughter lives in, or what she does in it. She’s already, at the tender age of five months old, making decisions for herself. After going through everything we went through to bring Áine into our lives, I just want things to be perfect for her, to keep her safe and happy, but I can’t live in terror that something bad is going to happen or I’m going to miss all the good stuff. Not only that, but I need to set a good a example for her and teach her to be independent and resilient. I don’t want her to grow up afraid of the world, afraid that something bad lurks around every turn. I can try my best to be vigilant and do what I think is right for her, but even now there are things that I need to learn to trust her on. I need to trust that she is healthy and strong, and that, for the most part, the world works as it should. It’s going to be a constant struggle, since letting go of control is not something that comes easily to me. But I have a long life of mothering ahead of me, and it will be easier if I can learn to stop holding my breath.
Now, a couple weeks later, we’ve got ourselves a little stomach sleeper. At bedtime, we put her down on her back, and she promptly sticks a thumb in her mouth and flips over, asleep almost immediately. And this sweet girl sleeps aaaaaaaaaall night long.
I love the picture!
#3 always slept on his side…which always worried me, too, because I was afraid he would roll on his stomach. Now that he’s a little older, he’s fine on his stomach or not, but I still will get right up in his face and make sure he’s ok.
Miranda, it does not ever change…those feelings of wanting to protect them/help them. Katie turned 13 this morning and is becoming exactly what you described, resilient and quite a capable young lady who makes good decisions. However, I remember many a night checking to see if the wedgie was still in place and barely, just barely, putting my hand on her back to see if she was still breathing…Even still, I walk into her room at night before retiring for the day and look down at her while she is zonked out and wonder/hope the same thing… I am sure it’s the same for your mom and mine….now just long distance.
Learning to be OK with not being in control was a HUGE parenting hurdle for me, too. It’s like I had to learn a totally new way of being, and one that did not come naturally to me at all. Gives a whole new reality to that famous quote about how having a child is like ripping your heart out of your body and letting it walk around on its own. FWIW, I was able to unwind myself very slowly over the course of her babyhood, and by now, I’m much more easygoing than I ever thought was possible.
I’m exactly like you–it’s so hard to find that balance! I struggle with it every day. And the sleeping on the tummy thing is really common. I often wonder if the reason why SIDS has decreased is because kids who are on their backs aren’t sleeping AT ALL. Like Zia between the ages of 5 and 12 months before she figured out that sleeping on her tummy was what she needed. Good luck!!