Down The Rabbit Hole

My hair has never really been one of my best features.  It’s pretty thin, it has never held a curl well, always just kind of laid there, limp and boring. I’ve never really been able to do anything with it, it’s either down or back in a ponytail.  It’s been the same length and the same color for years and years.  There was an ill-advised pixie cut back in my early twenties, but let us never speak of that again.

But when I was pregnant I grew a gorgeous head of hair – thick, shiny, luxurious.  I could go days without washing it and it just looked fabulous all the time.  Every day was a good hair day.

See?  Great hair.

Until…

Yeah, one of the (many) things “they” don’t tell you about what to expect after you give birth is that all that gorgeous, thick hair?  It falls out.  Like all at once, all of a sudden.  About four months after Áine was born, I started shedding like a balding dog.  After I shower, it comes out in clumps.  I’m cleaning my hairbrush every day.  It’s all over my pillow when I get up in the morning.  I’m constantly fishing hair out of Áine’s little fists (could be worse, I read online if you have a little boy to watch out that a loose strand doesn’t wrap around his little boy parts – owie) and feeling a tickle on my shoulder because a stray strand has fallen there.  I have enough extra hair to make a small furry animal.

It’s just one example of one of the (not so) joyous little surprises that you discover after giving birth that no one really bothers to talk about, and your doctor doesn’t really bother to give you an “oh hey, by the way, now that you’ve actually had the baby, here are some things to look out for…”.  None of those pregnancy books I read while I was expecting said anything about this.  A friend of mine who had her daughter a couple months before Áine was born was experiencing the same thing and had actually made an appointment to go see her doctor, because she was worried that something was wrong with her.  Luckily, I had just looked googled “postpartum hair loss” a day or two earlier so I could tell her not to worry about it (I thought about googling: “DEAR GOD I’M GOING BALD WHAT THE FUCK?!?” but managed to calm down a bit).  It’s totally normal after-birth hormonal bullshit and should stop in a couple months.  Hopefully I’ll still have some hair left when it’s over!  If not, I guess I’ll be investing in a number of lovely hats for fall.

Hawk and I go to the hospital tonight (well, technically tomorrow morning) at 2am so that labor will be induced.  Áine has just decided that she is the comfiest girl ever and is happy where she is and although she is two weeks past her due date has shown few signs of wanting to budge.  So she’s officially evicted.

I have had some mixed feelings about inducing, mainly because I am of the opinion that babies come when they are ready, but my doctor won’t let me go past 42 weeks, and frankly, I don’t WANT to go past 42 weeks.  I am done.  Pregnancy on the whole has been wonderful, magical, inspiring and all that jazz but the past eight weeks have been incredibly uncomfortable.  Plus, at this point, the kid is fully cooked.  The doc estimates her at well over eight pounds, she’s got a great strong heartbeat, she has had all the time she needs to get ready to greet the world.  So we don’t have to worry about yanking her out of there before she’s really ready.

I am a little nervous about the whole induction thing leading to a c-section.  I hope my body will be receptive to it and that all I need is a little nudge in the right direction to get me started.  I also know that inducing can take a looooooooong time, so even though they start that Pitocin drip at 2am tomorrow morning, it may be hours and hours and hours before anything happens.  Tomorrow may end up being an incredibly long, hard day.

Yesterday I was feeling a little numb and kind of shut down for most of the day.  Didn’t want to think about giving birth, having the baby, nothing.  I just sat and read a book all day and tried not to deal, except when a random thought about the whole thing would creep into my head then I would burst into tears.  Between feeling a little guilty and nervous about having to induce, feeling a bit scared about the new life that awaits me on the other end of that delivery, feeling a little apprehensive about how emotionally intense it’s going to be to meet my daughter for the first time, you could say I was a bit overwhelmed.

Then somewhere around dinnertime I started to get excited, and Hawk and I read the “newborn care” sections of our baby books and learned how to give her a bath and reviewed the whole “swaddling” thing and talked giddily about how our lives are about to change forever and how tiny and cute she’s going to be.  I wonder what she’s going to look like, what her cry will sound like.

So please keep your fingers crossed for us that the delivery is a relatively easy one.  I will post pictures and news as soon as I can.  Thank you all for your support and I can’t wait to introduce you all to my daughter!

I would really, really, really like to give birth.  Like, today.

Still waiting…

For your amusement, here is the first belly picture we took, back in June when I was eight weeks pregnant:

And here is one from this past weekend when we went to the Descanso Gardens with some friends:

Notice how I am a fucking Amazon and now outweigh my husband.

We had a doctor’s appointment yesterday and I have started to dilate.  I am currently 1 centimeter dilated.  Go cervix go!  I still have plenty of amniotic fluid, but doc says my placenta is starting to “show its age”, so when we told him we want to hold off on inducing, he did a non-stress test where he hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor for half an hour to see how baby girl is doing.  She is great, her little heartbeat was trucking along nice and strong, so he said waiting another few days is fine.  We go back on Friday for yet another ultrasound and another non-stress test.  If all is well, he’ll give me until Monday night, and if she hasn’t made her grand entrance yet, he’s going to induce.  Which I am totally cool with.  I just hope she decides to come on her own before that.

Until then I am…waiting.  Taking walks around the neightborhood, watching a lot of Dog Whisperer reruns, obsessing over Facebook.  Any suggestions on what I should do while I wait for my daughter to show her pretty little face?

Today is my due date!  If you had asked me four weeks ago if I thought I would make it all the way to my due date I would have said you were nuts.  I thought there’s NO WAY this kid ain’t coming early – I’m too big, too swollen, too uncomfortable to make it another month (I can just hear a world full of mothers out there laughing at my naive, newbie ass).  Now I’m just hoping that I don’t take a page out of my mom’s playbook – I was two weeks late and my brother was three weeks late.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that Baby Girl decides to come soon.

I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday and as of that morning I wasn’t dilating yet or anything.  He said he’d be happy to try and induce, but with my cervix not showing any signs of opening, it may not be as easy as he would hope right now.  I’d really rather not induce anyway.  I try and take it as a sign that she’s just not ready yet.  She’s putting the finishing touches on those little lungs and building up those fat little thighs, and she will make her grand entrance when she decides it’s the right time.  It’s just hard when I’m so uncomfortable and giving birth is more about getting her the hell out of my body than it is about meeting my daughter.  Then I feel guilty and that mixes with the sleep deprived crazies and makes for not a happy camper.

I’ve been having a hard time the past week or so – crazy insomnia, the physical discomfort of lugging around an extra 45 pounds, and just general impatience.  I don’t have a whole lot going on right now – I’m not working, her room is all set, all tiny clothes washed and folded and put away.  I can only watch so much daytime tv.  I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been pregnant for nine and a half months now, a few more days won’t hurt, but waiting is HARD!  I’m doing what I can – taking the dogs for nice long walks around the neighborhood, bouncing on my birth ball.  I got an email from my Dad telling me that he’s going to find a Pagan idol of effacement and dilation to start praying to for me.  Hey, whatever works!

I also have to remember that these are the last few days of life as I have known it for thirty one and a half years.  Once she’s here, she’s here and life will never be the same.  But I’m ready for it.  I want to meet my daughter, I want the next chapter of my life to begin.  I want to truly, once and for all, put the last three years of anxiety and heartache behind me when I hold my little girl in my arms and look into her eyes for the first time.  Because I’m not going to really believe it until then.  That’s why it’s so hard to wait.

I usually write a nice long entry with a reflection on the past year and my hopes for the new year, but I am so wrapped up in waiting to give birth that I just don’t have the mental capacity to organize my thoughts that well.  But here’s what I could come up with:

What a year.  2008 started out with my second miscarriage and ended with me (not so) patiently awaiting the birth of my daughter (Just saying, Áine, if you would like to be born soon, like TODAY, that is totally cool with Mama).

Wow I’m big.  It’s so funny, throughout my pregnancy, starting at about sixteen weeks I was thinking “oh my god my belly is SO BIG I can’t imagine getting any bigger”.  Well, it did, and it continues to.

This weekend I got to help out a friend who is a costume designer and took a bunch of pictures at a fashion shoot she had arranged.  It was a relatively long day for me, I got there about 9am and left around 3pm and was absolutely knackered when I left.  I came home and totally crashed.  When I woke up, my belly had dropped considerably.  I’ve started having more and more Braxton Hicks contractions and am feeling a lot of pressure “down there” so I think baby girl is beginning to get ready for her emergence.  I’m not due for another three weeks, so lord knows when she’ll actually show up, but it could really be any day now.

Here are some pics from Saturday’s shoot.  My friend, the stylist who designed the costumes, is Heather Carleton and she is brilliant.

I am officially 36 weeks pregnant today.  Woo Hoo!

Then why do I still have FOUR WEEKS left until my due date?  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that pregnancy is nine months long.  It’s a dirty lie.

This weekend was my parents’ annual Christmas visit and our annual holiday party.  As always, it was lovely.  On Friday afternoon, we took a drive up to Ventura County and went to a Christmas tree farm to cut down our tree.  My folks had never done that before, so it was a lot of fun.  I LOVE the tree we got, I think it’s the most beautiful one we’ve ever had.  It is so green and smells amazing.

Last evening we had our party, and mom and I (mostly mom) spent yesterday morning preparing two bries en croute – one with carmelized onions and one with raspberry preserves baked in.  YUM.  They were both a big hit.  The party was great, just about everyone we invited was able to stop by.  It made for a busy, full house, but it was very lively and everyone seemed to have a good time.  Plus, we ran out of booze at the end, so I think that signals a successful shindig.

I realized this weekend that Hawk and I had managed up until this point in my pregnancy to not have any pictures taken of the two of us, so last night my friend Christine was kind enough to take this shot.  I love it:

The general consensus among partygoers last night was that I have reached “giving birth to a basketball” status.  I am pretty big.  I’m outgrowing most of my maternity clothes and have worn nothing but Uggs for the last week because my ankles and feet are so swollen.  This week is t-minus about four weeks left of my pregnancy and I can’t believe it’s almost over, that Áine is almost here!  She really could come any time now.

The approaching end of my pregnancy is so bittersweet.  On one hand, the bigger I get, the more uncomfortable I get, so I want her out out out.  Plus, I can’t wait to meet her, look into her little face for the first time, hold her little hands and feet, play with her teeny fingers and toes.  There’s also a part of me, given my history of pregnancy loss, that won’t believe this is all real until I’m holding her in my arms and the doctor tells me she’s healthy.  On the other hand, I know that this is the only time in her life that she will truly be all mine, where’s she’s safe inside my belly and only I get to really feel her moving – the little lazy nudges, the little “tics” when she has the hiccups, the gigantic rolls and thumps when she really gets going.

It’s a very exciting time, and very surreal.  I can’t believe that within about a month or so, I will be a mom and Hawk will be a dad.  Life will never be the same.  Am I ready?  I think so.  I certainly hope so!

This arrived on our doorstep yesterday:

This pram has been in my husband’s family since he was born.  His parents used it not only for him, but his two brothers as well.  Also, his aunt used it with her three kids.

It is so unbelieveably gorgeous, I can’t believe the thing is over three decades old.  I actually asked Hawk if his parents had had it recovered, because the canvas covering is flawless.  He said nope, they just took really good care of it (also evidenced by how it was wrapped when we got it – you have never seen so much bubble wrap in all your life).  I love the idea of pushing Áine around the neighborhood in the same pram her daddy and her uncles rode in when they were tiny.

In other news, I am now thirty two weeks pregnant – a whole eight months.  And boy do I feel it.  My belly is reaching biblical proportions and I have nearly perfected the pregnant waddle.  My friend Maija bought me a support belt to help hold the belly up and it helps the muscle strain, but not the awkwardness.  I can’t believe I still have about eight weeks to go; I can’t imagine how big I’m going to be by the time she’s ready to be born.  I’m also getting really impatient to meet my daughter!  I can’t wait to hold her and look at her little face for the first time.

I also have a touch of mild bronchitis (not fun – if you can avoid getting a chest cold while pregnant, I would suggest you do so) and I think I pulled a muscle in my lower belly from coughing so much.  Ow.